Uhh…young?

I can’t believe it’s over, but it’s over .. in 15 hours and approximately 12 hours, I will be done with my junior year of high school.

The time really flies by. Things that I thought were such big deals — APUSH tests, AP Bio tests, clubs — they’ve all been wrapped up, and overall, I can say it was a good experience. I really understand what seniors were talking about when they were explaining how junior year can really change you.

I’ve learned a lot about a lot of different people, and I’ve made some really good friends, and I’ve made some really bad enemies, I’m sure.. but I think I’m just gonna take away the good stuff, and only a little bit off the bad stuff.

It’s scary to think that in a year from now, I will have chosen a college .. right now, I’m going to enjoy this summer, despite the loads of summer work I have, and worrying about college applications, and fighting with my parents (the fighting is inevitable. I’ve accepted it). I can’t wait to veg out and watch movies all day, GET MY LICENSE (!!! three months overdue. yikes) and hang out with my friends.

I know it’s going to be a competition next year, even if I don’t want it to be. But I’m okay with it. Maybe I can use competition for my benefit.

Ahhh. Life is good. (:

I finished midterms today! Yippee! Ironically enough the two that I thought were going to be the easiest, Health and Math, were probably one of the toughest ones :I But that’s probably due to the fact that I didn’t really study….oopsies. .__. well shame on me, I’ve learned my lesson, yada yada yada…. nahhht. I STILL can’t believe that was the last Health final I’ll ever take in public school! How fast life goes by you when you don’t even have time to think.

Anyhoo, today I came home and watched Moulin Rouge! for the first time … I LOVED IT !!! It was kind of awkward and raunchy but it was amaaazing. they were so young ;__; hahahaha. ANYWAYS. but yeah that took up like two hours of my time. I can’t focus on my work, which is really bad consideirng I’m going back to the “real world” tomorrow, and I need to kick myself in the butt and get all this work done. blahhhhh. I hate it. three more weeks until vacation!! I am so pumped. Hahaha…the only thing that keeps me going is the knowledge that soon, I will have another break from school… what a sad, sad existence.

furthermore, I should really trim my nails… it’s bad for the violin to keep them so long but I like them this length ): also yesterday was FREE MAKEUP at Macy’s, Filene’s, Saks Fifth Avenue, Nordstrom, etc. of the Lancome, Chanel, Givenchy, etc. brands because of price-fixing (or something) from ‘94 to ‘03… then I got my makeup done and the lady was so perplexed by my non-sankkupuhl eye. Hahahaha. but seriously this monolid is driving me crazy because I really want my half-a-lid back and it’s not coming back and it’s making me sad. ): POOP!! I don’t know how to fix it either. My mom suggested tape but I don’t want to, considering they USED to be 100% natural. >: (

my hair is getting kinda medium-ish. I’m realllly excited cause I can almost put all of it back in a ponytail if I try. ;P My hair grows pretty fast, I guess, ’cause it’s only been 5 months and it’s gotten almost to my shoulders (it was pretty short before). (: yippeee. Ahh, summer lovin’. WOW hahahah that was really random. my b.

PREZ OBAMA!!!! I watched the entire inauguration (which is why I didn’t get much done) I loved the little spat with Obama and the Chief Justice. MAD AWKWARD but really funny. Harharharhar ;P I know he’s  no Superman, and he can’t get everything done perfectly but darnit, it’s going to be beter than what we had before eh? Hehe.

ooops I should go make the worship sets now…PEACE!

What a difference a year can make.

Now, instead of being tricked into joining an SAT class, I actually asked my parents if I could take the class. Me! I wasn’t pressured by the parental units at all. What drove me to take this class? A swift kick in the butt reminding me that I was a junior in high school, March was coming up, and I needed to take an SAT class before then…fast.

Unfortunately, the class that I took means that I have no more weekends to spend to myself. Which didn’t sound so bad in the beginning but after the first week I’m kind of blahh. Mainly because I can’t leave my homework ’till Sunday, because I have a class Sunday. Poo. But whatever…everything will take care of itself.

The class is a lot better than my other one. Smaller size (only 6 students!) and all the kids are there because they want to be motivated. If anything, me and G are the most obnoxious kids there. and that’s saying a lot. My practice SAT scores weren’t as hot as I would have liked, but I’m sure that with time and a little more practice I’ll do better. Ahhh I’m totally ready for it to be May 15, when all my stuff is D-O-N-E. Hehehehe.

Studying?

Yes, studying.

I woke up at 5:40 to the beautiful sound of the phone ringing. Nobody in their right mind would call me at 5:40 in the morning, unless it was our superintendant, calling us via automated message that “due to inclement weather, school will be canceled.” Oh, joyous day! My mom came in to state the obvious and I went back to bed, until 9:30, when I woke up and took a luxurious 20-minute shower (screw the environmentalist weirdos!) and got cracking on the books…

…NOT. I didn’t do any work until my mom came and metaphorically kicked me in the butt to start studying. Sigh…the dreary life of a high school junior. Instead of relaxing and enjoying the day doing nothing, I have to spend my time looking over biology, history, and english… the banes of my existance. Who thought that APs would be a good idea? This is ridiculous, I tell myself, as I crack open my huge biology textbook and start reading. “A catalyst is a chemical agent that changes the rate of reaction without being consumed by the reaction”. Easy enough. “…A system’s quantity of free energy is symbolized by the letter G. There are two components to G: the system’s total energy (symbolized by H) and its entropy (symbolized by S). Free energy is related to these factors in the following way:

G = H – TS“.

WHAT? None of this makes any sense. Let’s skip to something else…something understandable.

“Multicellular organs called sporangia (singular, sporangium) found on the sporophyte generation of a plant, produce the spores. Within a sporangium, spore mother cells undergo meiosis and generate the haploid spores” (Campbell, 2002)

…I hate my life ): I better need this all one day. I better be in a situation where the only thing standing between me and the job of my dreams is whether I can correctly deduce which plant has a sporangia along a line of plants.

…sigh…back to work I go!

Looking back on my Xanga, I came across a comment from one of my old friends.

I read through their posts, revelling in the fact that when they were writing this, they are the same age I was now. I couldn’t believe that back then, when I lived in Minnesota, I had looked up at the 10-year-old whom I thought was so grown up.

People who I thought I had lost contact with forever sent me friend requests on Facebook. And looking at their pages, I’m wowed by how much we all changed–I thought that after I moved, everyone would be the same, and that I could always come and visit and have everything in place. That, clearly, would not be the case.

How selfish had I been to expect everyone to stay the same, and to be waiting for me? I’ve moved all the way across the country and back again, and I’ve gotten in fights that I thought would shatter friendships forever. And now, everything’s come full circle and I have got back in touch with some of the people who had only been distant memories in the past.

When I was in Korea, I had been given the opportunity to meet up with one of my childhood friends. Shy, insecure and embarassed to see what he turned out to be after all these years, I had refused to go. Now I wonder what would have happened to both of us if I had gone and met with him; I wonder what he would have thought if I had gone and he saw me, for the first time, in about 8 years.

It’s a small world, but it’s getting bigger every day.

I wonder if he ever thinks about me?

HA. What a stupid question. OF COURSE he doesn’t! He’s moved away, gone out of my life, and chances are very good we will never see each other again. Fantasies of meeting in coffee shops serendipitously (spelling?) have faded from my hopes into vague distant memories of the past.

Well. Here’s the letter I never got to send to him.

I downloaded the Pirates soundtrack, just so I can think of you when I listen to it. On the bus, on the way to church, doing my homework; whenever I hear those first three notes and then the drunken cello playing, my heart instantly goes not to Johnny Depp, but to you. I remember your comedic moments with your best friend, the time I took your violin and I wasn’t supposed to have it, our one conversation (you told me to “go for it” when I said I wanted to take the stairs up)

I remember the look you gave me, after the last concert, when we met eyes as you were walking up. I couldn’t look away, now was my chance to smile and say congratulations. But instead I looked at you like an idiot and then kicked myself inwardly later. I missed that chance, and now I won’t ever get it back.

I hope things are going well for you.

I wish you nothing but happiness even though you probably don’t even know my name.

Keep smiling and I can’t wait to hear your songs on the radio.

Dear friend,

It’s your birthday around this time of year. Happy birthday.

All niceties aside, I hope you know you pretty much ripped my heart out of my ribcage and stepped all over it. And I hope you feel like a little turtle turd right now, because that’s how I feel.

When I first met you so many years ago, I was dying to be your friend. You will have no idea what I went through to try. You have no idea the money I spent on outfits, the hours I spent in front of the mirror contemplating what to say to you, the tears I cried every time you rejected me, how I acted out against my parents, blaming them for you not liking me.

Then, a miracle: one day you decided to let me be in your circle. I guess you won’t ever understand how happy I was; you were the alpha dog, and everyone was around you trying to get close to your awesomeness. So, I guess, in a way, I was your bitch. Ha. The alpha dog’s bitch. The bitch’s bitch. Whatever. And we had a great time of it; you and I always made each other laugh. And slowly, hopefully I thought you would like me because I was me, and not because I was the replacement friend whenever your other friends decided that you were the girl they hated for that week. Don’t pretend like I didn’t know. I knew perfectly well, but I don’t blame you for being such a brat to me. I knew it then, too, and still I pretended that THIS TIME, this was for real. You really did like me.

I stupidly believed we were going to be true friends. That instead of just being the girl you can always laugh with at social gatherings, or the one who could give you the answers for the math homework, I was the girl you would take shopping. I was the girl you would call first to see if I wanted to hang out or go to the movies. That I would be a real friend, not just an acquaintance. Which is what we are, really, when you boil down our friendship into labels.

Then we both started the same thing. And at first it was okay, because we were both horrible at it. Then I just did better and better and you weren’t there next to me. I was the one with all the opportunities and you were the one smling and pretending like you were happy for me. Don’t be stupid, I know what you were doing. And suddenly, before I know it, here I am, thinking of what I could do to give you the best birthday present ever, and you’re off frolicking with our group of friends, and for some reason somebody “forgot” the replacement girl.

So thanks for pretending for all those years. Thanks for giving me the hope (however false) that I would become your real friend.

It’s nice to see your true colors.

Am I being a prima donna? Maybe.

But I don’t think so.

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